We Remember

I was told to be mindful as I walk –
Take in the details, the sounds and the smells.
But I don’t want to be today.

5 years on and it’s all still shit
And I don’t want to see every crack,
Every unplanned bump and overgrown weed

So I scroll as I walk
But the memes on Facebook all scream:
“We remember”

And I call bullshit

Because remembering implies you’ve had a chance to forget

And you can argue we remember those who died,
But I remember them every time I go outside,
With every road cone and empty place where trees are all spaced in weird configurations because they used to be separated by fences and houses
and laughter
and hope

But now hope comes in books about bugs
And the worries they have
Which my 6 year old brings home from school

My 6 year old who was too small to remember when the world began to shake.
Who does drills on the Basketball Courts in case there’s another quake
Who talks about how he could have been sleeping where the big oldĀ TV fell
How if his routine has been normal, he would have been dead.

So sorry if I don’t want to remember
Sorry if I would like a chance to forget
Sorry if I walked past those who had gathered together to pay their respects

But I remember every day
Because the cracks remind me
And the unplanned bumps remind me
And the overgrown weeds.
Facebook reminds me
And every road cone reminds me
And the empty places with the weirdly placed trees.

Hurt

Love it when people let you know they think you won’t be able to do something when you have never even tried it. No wonder I always get told I need more confidence. My parents always do everything for me – I know it is because they never think I will be able to. Guess that means I think that way too.

Growing like a weed…

Today it was hot. Zeke wore shorts and a t-shirt. He looked so grown up as he yelled his way around Northlands – like a proper little boy. I have been working night shift on NICU for the past 4 nights (zzzzz) and giving those wee dots cuddles reminded me of my wee premie bubba. I miss that bubba so much, and I know I will miss this funny, loud, amazing wee man too… but I can’t wait to see who he becomes.Image